In honor of World Suicide Prevention Day, I’ll do a short post for those like me. Those with a stunted confidence, those who battle depression. Not everyone has been at a point where they thought death was an actual, conceivable option. Where dying would be better than living your life. That being said, there are many people who have been there, and it is scary.
Being depressed isn’t something that you can just slap on a smile for and it vanishes. No, it is a daily struggle, and it can seem like there is a black hole following you, sucking out the very color from the sky. There was a time when I was very suicidal. No matter how many people actually care about you(and trust me, there are always people who care about you), you feel so alone. No one understands, no one cares, no one even wants to care right?
High school had to be the worst time of my life. It is when my struggles started and consumed me. For me, it was a time where I believed my grades correlated with how much my family loved me. It was a time where I wanted to be anyone who wasn’t me, I was the absolute worst person in my own eyes. I didn’t care about school, family, or even my own body. Therapy didn’t help, medication didn’t help and I still can’t bring myself down to talk honestly about myself, man to man.
It is the feeling of ultimate uselessness that consumed me, “I’m not good enough,” “How could anyone ever love you?” It all boiled up until I came to the decision that seemed so simple and so true. I would be better off if I were just gone. I tried, and failed twice. I have been in a hospital, I have been in programs. Did they help? Sort of, but nothing stuck.
There was nothing that all of a sudden struck me and made me think, “Oh man, living sure is great,” or “Life is totally worth it, dudes!” No, it was a gradual process, one where I had to get out of my own mind and look around me. People were there, my family wanted to help, classmates appreciated me. I just wouldn’t let them.
There is no one secret way to start loving life. There is no one secret way to start loving yourself. You have to fight every single day. You have to want to. You have to be able to trust those who care about you. We all need a helping hand, don’t be afraid to ask. I still fight that feeling of depression every day, and I think that for once in my life, I can make it. It is a new sensation when you can look at the clouds and think “Those are beautiful,” or look at your friends and family and think, “I love these people and they love me.”
You are not alone, there is always someone willing to help. My only genuine passion is to help, and I know I’m not the only one. Are you in a fog of depression? Do you think suicide is a viable option? I beg you to reconsider, because I can tell you this from the bottom of my heart, in all honesty,
You are damn awesome, and you
deserve to live a happy life!