Nearly Two Years Ago…

For the better part of two years I have had this blog. There are some bits of sensitive information about me that are written here as well as some lessons I have learned. However, like every other human being, I am imperfect. This is a post about my goals that I have competed, failed, and those that remain unclear. In good form, I’ll start with the negative!

The Failures

I haven’t kept up my blog. It isn’t that I haven’t been able to, looking back on an average day I waste hours doing nothing constructive. I work, but I don’t work so much I can’t crank out a few sentences. I go to school, but I don’t go for so long that I can’t read my subscriptions. This is a character flaw, one that I am still struggling to overcome.

I haven’t kept up my physical fitness. I joined a gym at the end of spring called Fitness USA. I went regularly and even got a personal trainer there for nearly three months. At that point, this particular location shut down and I was transferred to another gym. Since then I haven’t had the motivation to use this new place near as much. This is me being a baby. There is no excuse. I will work to correct this immediately.

The Success

So far I have stayed in school for what is just over a full year now. I have been working to help pay for college as well as using my loans. This is something I had never seen myself doing until just a year ago. I’m proud of myself no matter how horrible of a student I am. I am succeeding and getting on track.

I have also kept my friends close. While some have moved away for the time being, we always make best of what time we have together. My group of friends is close knit and I am all too thankful for this, we have helped each other so much over the years. While I have let some get distanced, I don’t plan to keep it like that. Everyone is important to me and I won’t let go.

What About This Unclear Business?

Oh I’ll let you know about this business. While I have been at work in college, I still can’t decide between two career choices. The side of me I don’t like so much keeps pushing for a license in nursing. This is a logical decision as the nursing field would treat me with preference, I’d be working with lots of women (smileyface), and the money would be much better.

However, what I truly feel I would enjoy and appreciate is social work. One thing that has always stuck with me since I was a teen is that I want to give back. I want to be able to help people, children in particular. While these times are possibly the most confusing and hardest for any child, there are some that have truly desperate situations. I want to be able to help. Every time I battle this in my head social work comes out on top. I need to make the change now. This is a struggle for many people.

“Am I supposed to work to make a living?”

“Is the money truly worth it?”

“How would I live off of such a low salary?”

Actually, writing it out is therapeutic because I feel that this next statement truly shows what I feel. I never thought of this before but what if…

“I enjoy what I do regardless of money. I help other people enjoy their lives. I don’t live off of the money I make, I live off of the joy I create. I work for the people.”

That’s what I hear inside me.

Until next time.

Let Us Pretend

I used to play a little game when I was younger. It was something that came about as a result of me caring too much about what others thought.  Regardless of how it came about, it does have some great applications if you are looking to change something about yourself.

 
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Very Inspiring Blogger Award, Ya Hear?

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So after putting up the first draft of my memoir, here, I received two comments that upon seeing, delighted my heart like it hasn’t been in a long while. Despite not being a regular poster because I am far too liable to take the easy road and relax after my work and classes are finished, these fine people have nominated me for the Very Inspiring Blogger award. I’m completely certain they both deserve it more than me, as well as most others do.

Seeing as how I got two nominations(seriously, how?) before posting, I’ll link to them both.

The first blog is Inspiring The Girls written by a new adult, Michelle. With her aim to empower the girls of her generation, she is doing a fine job so far and staying plucky and upbeat with her posts. The better part, even though her aim is the girls of her generation, that is not exclusive; it applies to most people.

The second is Finding Happiness as a 20something, written by Meghan. While I haven’t had the chance to fully peruse her blog due to how in depth she gets on her posts, it is all very critical, objective, good advice for someone of any age. Though older, more mature people may have already learned these things. I wish her luck on her writing adventures, and to myself on getting the time to read all her posts.

Now to the point of this post…

I don’t accept the nomination and I won’t be doing it. I don’t write often enough and when I do I am hardly satisfied with my work. I cannot lie and say I’ll post more, as well as with better content. What I can say though is I am very humbled that anyone would think highly of what I’ve done and I am grateful for the chance to be mentioned as well as(hopefully) helping someone out. So what I will do is post links to a few fellow WordPress blogs that I frequent and help inspire me in my day to day life.

http://morningstoryanddilbert.wordpress.com/ – A blog with daily posts all providing a Dilbert comic and a great story to kickstart your day, or end it nicely.

http://hikingphoto.com/ – A blog for Patrick Latter Photography. He has great shots and I plan to buy from him, but until then the photos he takes remind me of art appreciation and allow me my moments of serenity.

http://withanopenheart.org/ – Nina Shadi is on to something here. The Awakened Heart Project is one of the best things I have encountered on WordPress. Follow it and read up whether you have time or not!

I appreciate the recognition and if I were anymore regular, I’d have followed through with the rules of being nominated. As it stands though, I’d have to throw some blogs out of nowhere to complete the nomination. Not everyone deserves it and I won’t lie about it. Keep your eyes open though, I will have new material here soon!

Into A New World

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      The smell of a hospital is distinct, when you catch a whiff of it you immediately think of sick people, nurses, and the ever busy doctors. That wretched stench was all around me as I sat in the waiting room. The lobby was full and tense, all sounds were absent save the clacking of a lone keyboard and the hushed disapproval of parents from around the room. I was being forced into a day program for adolescents with behavioral issues. There is no real positive way to spin that, however it did mean time there instead of school. The wait was an eternal pit to me, as one person would go into the back as their parents left. Then another, and another as my feelings about this place started to bubble forth. This was scary and I would be alone. There is nothing welcoming about this waiting room, it is bland and gave off the vibe of disinterest. By the time I snapped back to reality, I was the only one left. “You’re good, you can go back. Be quiet though, group therapy has already started,” the lady behind the glass said to me. This was my welcome into the next two weeks of my life.

      I wasn’t forced into this for no reason, at this point I already have had a history of manic-depression. A funny thing about serious and dramatic events in your life is that you can so vividly recall them happening, yet at the same time the memory is nothing more than a cloud; a towering, apprehensive, dark cloud. This wasn’t my first time walking through the doors, where people like me would be everywhere. This was however my first time at this specific institution. I had been depressed for a long while, and this was nothing new. I hadn’t done anything stupid this time, like try to take my own life or threaten to hurt somebody who, at the time, deserved it. As self-aware as I could be, I felt the oncoming storm beckoning me to break down. “Not this time,” I told myself, “This time I’ll let someone know, I will get support for this!”

       Apparently support meant different things to different people, so there I sat, in group therapy, my introduction into this behavioral center. Being a cautious person, having to allow time for my thoughts to build up and conclude before I approach a situation or person, I couldn’t open up immediately. This was new to me and ever so fascinating, the worker would give a semi-general topic or ask direct questions and we would go around the group and all have our own time for thoughts. The rest could ask questions if they wanted to, or were asked to, and we were all allowed to have our own comments. It is one thing when you have a paid professional ask you how your day was, but to have your peers ask is a whole other story. They are not being paid, they have no gain in the situation by asking, right? That is why this portion of the days were some of the greatest. Over time I joined in and gave my thoughts and questions, as well as being allowed to have my own time in the limelight. My questions were of genuine care and curiosity, so their questions and comments must have been too, right? It made me wonder why it was so hard to feel that way in day to day life.

      Although therapy was great in and of itself, this place was self-aware enough to not paint a picture of a mental ward. They had regular times to study, we were allowed to go to school and get homework from classes to work on while we were there. The room had two tall windows, which in any other case would not be noteworthy except for the fact most rooms were near the core of the building, effectively cutting off sunlight. Even though talking was frowned upon, that never stopped any of us from sharing a laugh in between problems and chapters. There was also free time as any regular school would have, which ranged from pizza and a movie on Fridays to playing cards with the other kids, talking, drawing, or even playing a board game. The free time was a necessary time for bonding, which only served to strengthen the feeling that this was real. The feelings, emotions and support found within those walls were the same very real things outside the walls.

      However it is never enough to know that something is real, I love to see it happen before me. This wish was actually granted one day when Brittany, an upperclassmen from my school, walked in to our games room. I was nothing but surprised when I saw her enter, surely people from my school had their lives together! Regular people surely couldn’t have had the struggles that I have had, right? Obviously I had lived in a bubble of my own creation up until this moment. I had always been able to tell myself that I was special or that other people have problems, but surely not anyone that I know. Suddenly it was all made obvious when I made my move and told her, “You can come sit with us, everyone here is actually really friendly.” Her reply was a completely jarring, “Thank you, I know. I’ve been here before.” At that point everything was real, no longer my imagination controlling my world.

      My time had come to leave and I was truly a different person at this point. The smell of grass and the feel of sunshine is distinct. It heats your skin as if you were breathing in the essence of the plants themselves. It makes you think of your surroundings, the insects, trees, beaches and oceans as the sun on your skin brings you to a culmination of serenity. The wind outside was rustling the leaves as I heard the cars rushing by, far too busy in their lives trying to reach the ever elusive point B. I had been forced out, into a new world of people with behavioral problems. There are a plethora of ways you can spin that, but I preferred to think of it as a positive thing. No longer was it every person has it together but me, it was I don’t have it together and I highly doubt anyone else does either! My thoughts had become, “Every person is unique, but not every person is different.” The whole world was new to me, but it was the same. Nothing outside had changed, only my perspective. All it took was to focus my eyes in a different way to enable me to jump into a new world.

A Source of Distress

There are times in my life where I think I’m the same as everyone else. There are also times in my life where I feel like I’m alone and scared and helpless. It is that second set of feelings where I believe I am truly like everyone else in this world. I know we can’t all have ourselves together, no one is always happy, we all have our trials and tribulations. There is always one thought that creeps in my head, day to day… The trick is though, it only creeps in when I forget the answer.

The answer can change and it can stay the same. All of us have an answer, for if we didn’t we would already be dead. I broke down a little tonight because I forgot my answer. Now that I remember, I am ashamed of myself. All I know is that this is an everyday occurrence for me, and I truly hope it isn’t like that for everyone else. It is a heart draining struggle.

 

You must be tired of me talking about this though, so I’ll let you have it. Friends…the question we always need to hold tight our answer for is this. What are you fighting for? Living for? Striving for?

Don’t forget your answer…and don’t stop asking yourself whether or not it is the right answer.

Inspiration From Unlikely Sources (Facebook!)

A friend of mine had posted this earlier today and when I stumbled upon it, I thought “Wow, this is absolutely ridiculous sounding, and I absolutely love it!” It is things like this that keep you feeling happy each day, good habits, expressing yourself. I won’t elaborate too much, I will let you take from it what you will in it’s original format! Enjoy!

“Join me fellow Facebook friends and abstract entrepreneurs alike in Random Optimism Week!

Starting Tuesday October 23rd and lasting until next Tuesday the 30th (or hopefully longer) I’m starting a randomized optimism week for myself–however, you should join in!

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